WHY I DON'T LEARN CHINESE

I’ve lived in Taiwan for 12 years.

No one can understand why I did not learn Chinese.

It’s absurd.

There must be a logical reason, so people imagine:

·                    I am lazy.

    I don’t respect Taiwan.
          I have a brain problem (besides age).
[The last is probably true, but not why I didn’t learn Chinese.]

I had to think deeply and painfully to understand myself.

I couldn’t understand how EVERYBODY who has been in Taiwan

more than a week knows a few Chinese words,

except me…..

Some of my immediate thoughts were (really):

     “I’m a total failure.”

     “I’m the laziest man on Earth.”

     “I’m a Colonialist.”

These are some of deeper answers I slowly discovered.

(Although I may be lying to myself.)

I don’t know if these reasons are correct or good.

They may be crazy, illogical, or just excuses.

But I believe they are true….

If I understand Chinese:

(1) 

I can no longer imagine Taiwanese are nicer than Americans.

I will hear what they are really saying,

and know that they can be as stupid, prejudiced, and close-minded,

as my own country and culture often is.

Then I will have no oasis from the negativity of human beings.

An oasis is not fantasy, it is as real as Hell.

We all need oases in our stressed, chaotic lives.

Taiwan is certainly not Heaven,

but it is a healthy real alternative.

I don’t ignore the tragic power of human destructiveness.

I just don’t want to be forced to experience it 24/7.

I want a healthier balance, and I can find that in Taiwan….

if I don’t speak the language.

I will not be able to focus on the best parts of Taiwan culture.

I will have to experience and understand everything.

The loud real problems of Taiwan can overwhelm

its quieter real beauty and fragile uniqueness,

as it does in America.

(2) 

I will have to read, hear, and understand the massive advertising attack,

surrounding us, drowning us, manipulating us to get our money.

This is not a small humorous detail…

Advertising is destructive to the spirit, heart, mind, and creativity.

Now the Chinese words just flow through me, like abstract art.

I can enjoy the lines, shapes, and colors, or just ignore it.

I don’t have to numb my intellect and senses to protect myself.

(3) 

As a writer, I depended on my good use of language

to understand, to communicate….

Now I must depend on body language and faces,

the subtlest expressions,

tiny movements of eyes, mouths, brows,

hands, fingers, feet,

vocal tones and word emphasis,

breathing.

I’ve learned that reality and real feelings are hidden behind words.

Language is used to cover up, divert, distort truth.

We tell half-truths or lies to others, and to ourselves.

Not knowing Chinese has made me a better filmmaker and teacher.

I use intuitive skills to interpret and understand at deeper levels,

not rely on my intellect, critical analytical judgment, or word craft.

If I do not understand Chinese:

(A)

My students, friends, and everybody have to work much harder.

This is not fair to them.

I have to pay translator assistants….This is my responsibility.

Students cannot get all my points about using cinema language.

Translation can never capture the full meaning of art or culture.

(B)

I make myself more helpless and dependent than I am in America.

Daily life is more difficult, many problems are unsolvable by myself.

Emergencies can be terrifying.

I must confront total aloneness every day.

This forces me to confront myself at deeper levels.

It is scary and painful.

(C)

I deprive myself of the beauty of the Chinese language,

it’s 5000+ years of expression, poetry, and wise observation.

These are some of my thoughts.

Not knowing Chinese has deprived me and others

of the full experience of Taiwan and American culture….

I hope there have been benefits that are worth the sacrifice.